I don’t even know where to begin. Things have been mad. Really mad.
I haven’t updated this blog so often because mad things kept me very busy. Well, either busy, or depressed.
When I first met this guy, everything seemed to be all right. We were mad about each other. Not too long into dating, I started seeing a sign or two. He sure could drink like a fish. But most of the time back then, he didn’t drink that much. Until one night, he went out to a party and didn’t come home until the next night. While he was in touch during his session, he was too pissed to hold a proper conversation. When in front of other blokes, he would be nasty to me. When out of their earshot, he would be nice to me. He wouldn’t let me know where he was until the next night. About 9pm, I think, he finally told me he was coming home. I waited for a bit, but having a hunch, I rang him again. I finally found out which bar he was in. I went to take him home. And it turned out he was running low on the cash, so that was when I came in. I lied and told him I didn’t have money, so he drank until his last Baht.
Dragging him home was not fun. Then, he was hungry and wanted to have a burger. Ok, then, had a burger. Now I paid for it. Oh, and during the day, while he was pissed out of his head somewhere, I did his laundry, made sure he would have clean clothes for his trip to Malaysia the next day.
I still didn’t realise his issues were bigger than they seemed. I thought that session was bad, but then, it wouldn’t happen again - because I was a relatively nice person, he should care for me.
It did. Many times.
He made it to Malaysia as planned, and was waiting for me in Phuket when he got back in Thailand. I missed him and wanted to see him, so I changed my flight one day earlier. The night before my flight, he confessed he had slept with a Filipina while he was in Malaysia.
Two big red flags so far, but I still wasn’t running.
Our relationship was changing for the worse, but we didn’t know what was wrong. Something was wrong on his side, but he didn’t know what it was. So, it was pretty tricky to fix the situation when no-one knew what was wrong. Things went downhill afterwards. We tried go on a long trip together, but things were not improving. He always drank too much. One certain night, he was getting really aggressive. He lost it completely, and was about to hit a guy for no reason. He couldn’t even stand without help. That was a long night, as he wouldn’t go to sleep. I carried him back to the hotel, and he started having a go at me. He said all hurtful things to me and started hitting the door.
When I was growing up, my father was a loud, angry, abusive drunk. So, I’m terrified of drunk men.
Because of all the stress and argument, I was screwed - mentally. I couldn’t keep up with my work, and I finally got myself in trouble at work.
His drinking wasn’t too bad then, but the nature of our relationship was. Ok, maybe his drinking was pretty bad, but I thought we could fix it. Or I could fix it.
How many red flags so far, I’ve lost count?
Then, he had to go back home for a while to get his paperwork done. He would be back and start a new job soon.
While he was back home, we were in touch daily. Simply because I insisted. Then, one night, under no uncertain terms, he told me we wouldn’t get back together in that way.
But since he had only me he could count on here, we spent a lot of time together when he came back. Things at his work were not going so well, and they caused him mega stress. I was there to listen to him, and to cheer him up. I did all I could. But things were not improving.
Having a job was good, as then, he couldn’t go out drinking during the week. Then, a Friday came. He would go out drinking, and couldn’t stop. So, we usually went out on a Friday night, he got pissed and drank all night, he was sobering up on Saturday evening/night, and Sunday was for depression.
That was how we spent almost every weekend.
One of my best friends kept telling me to move out. But I thought I could help him keep an eye on his drinking when I was around. So, I stayed.
One Friday night, he went out with another bloke from his workplace. I was losing it myself, after so many horrible weekends. I asked my Mum to come over and keep me company. He didn’t call me until 5am. And that was only because the taxi driver didn’t know where the apartment was. He told me he got beaten up. When he came home, my Mum advised me how to treat his nose and black eye as she used to be a nurse. He didn’t stay up long, and went to bed easier than usual. If my Mum hadn’t been there, it would have been another mad 3 hours of argument. I think this was the night he spent about 14,000 Baht.
Mum had been a nurse for so long. Once she saw what state he was in, she realised he needed help from a professional. He does have deeper issues that I can’t write about. But they are there and he needs to sort them out.
Mum kept me company till morning. And she left just before he woke up. So, that’s another session and I still wasn’t running.
Not long after, he decided to give up his job. Now jobless, it was harder for him to stay sober. He was being a good boy for a few days. Then, one evening, we usually met up after I was done at work for dinner. I rang twice, he didn’t answer. I rang again and his phone was off.
I don’t know why I thought of a certain bar, so I went down there. And funny enough, he was drinking there with another bloke. He told me his battery was flat. I may appear to be so fucking stupid for still staying with him, but I am not THAT stupid. I didn’t check his phone, when he handed it to me. I could have called his bluff, but decided against it.
That night was a bit eventful, but it was kind of under control. At least, he came home.
A few nights later, a Saturday night, he went out to meet another bloke again. This time he didn’t come home - again. I called, but he never answered. Until Sunday afternoon, he texted me that he was safe and that he was still with that bloke - it turned out to be another lie. Sunday 4pm, he told me he was having a meal and would come home afterwards.
He didn’t.
I had to take sleeping pill so it knocked me out and I went to work on Monday morning. I had to keep my job.
I got to talk to him before going to work. He said he would come home soon.
He didn’t.
And his phone was off around midday. I couldn’t take it any longer, I moved out that evening. It was upsetting. But Mum couldn’t just sit and watch anymore. I was losing it.
Mum gave me some anti-depressant and I took my sleeping pill. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. And they knocked me out.
Tuesday came, and I went to work as usual. He rang me at about 10:30am, crying and saying sorry to me. And of course, I ran back to him, bringing food and grocery in. After all, I was the only one he could count on, right? No, I was the only one who was so stupid and blind by my love for him.
He told me he wanted me to come back - but not everyday. Our relationship/friendship had been strange for quite a while now. Ok, being a Scorpio, I am pretty extreme. It’s pretty much all or nothing to me. But never mind, fine, we would work something out.
A few days later, he rang one of my mates and they went out to a function together. He didn’t want me to be at his place that night. So, after some argument through my mate, I went home, took my sleeping pill, and slept.
The next day, you guess it, I ran back to him again. It was a weekend now.
Friday was ok. Saturday was ok. Until we started drinking at home.
We shared a bottle of wine on Saturday evening, but he drank more beer after. When we ran out of beer, he told me he would go out to get some more and promised to come back. Well, he did come back - with beers, and whiskey. Uh oh, it’s usually whiskey that set him off. So, I asked him not to drink the whole lot in one night. He said OK.
And he did drink it all in one night.
Other things happened. He got pissed off. And other stuff that I am too embarrassed to write about. Let’s just say, there was/is another woman involved.
Things went horribly wrong. Not getting any sleep didn’t help either. Until he insulted me to the max and I couldn’t take it any longer, I lost it and slapped him as hard as I could.
I had never slapped anyone in my life. Seeing how violent my father could be, I never wanted to be violent. But I had been provoked for at least 8 hours straight that night. I should have run away when the sun came up. But being a weak girl that I am, I didn’t. So, I had to pay for it by losing control totally.
Obviously, we had to totally split up now. So he packed his bags and headed to the airport, telling me he was going to Bali. Well, he had planned to go to meet a friend in Bali in two weeks anyway, so might as well go a week earlier.
It turned out to be another lie. He didn’t go to Bali. In fact, he is still in Thailand. I think I know where he is. Oh, I mean, where they are.
An ex-alcoholic rang me when he was screaming at me after the slap, he said “Get out of there. Quick! Dont talk to him. Just tell him you need to go buy cigarettes or something.”
Well, I didn’t have to go anywhere. He was leaving. Before he left, he told me he wasn’t running to any girl, he only needed to get away for a bit.
Yeah, right. And I’m a virgin.
My head is totally done in. I am fucked. I thought I could help him, and I tried. But I failed miserably. A couple of people suggest I attend Al-Anon meeting. I had been reluctant. But after the split, I knew I really needed help to deal with it all. I blamed myself for the things that happened. I hated myself for slapping him. But I can assure you now, that his behaviour was way out of line, and I doubt anyone could handle such insults for so long.
A few friends of mine who have been supporting me emotionally are great. They are great people. They are patient with me. It is good for me to have decent people looking at the situation from the outside and comment on it. I’m not blaming everything on him. I played my part. He played his. And here we are.
I have been to Al-Anon meeting only once. And they are supportive. I will stick with them for a while as I want to give it a try and see if it works for me. I’ve lost self confidence, self respect and sanity. I should have run a long time ago. I didn’t, so now I’m trying to pick myself up and move on.
Being with an alcoholic is not easy at all. You think you want to help them. But at the end of the day, it’s only them who can help themselves. There is only so much you can do. I’ve learnt this a hard way.
I thought I was a nice person so he would control his drinking as I wanted him to.
Wrong.
They don’t stop drinking to please you.
If someone close to you shows signs of being an alcoholic and you are losing your mind over their drinking, contact Al-Anon. Don’t wait so long as I did. Because then, it will be too late.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
