The Girl in the Big Mango

True Friendship

(With none of that Sissy girly Crap!!!)

Are you tired of those girls ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our friendship.

1. When you’re sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

2. When you’re blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you then call you a wanker.

3. When you smile — I will know you finally got a root.

4. When you’re scared — I will  take the piss out of you about it every chance I get.

5. When you’re worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit your fucking whining.

6. When you’re confused — I will use little words and talk real slow..

7. When you’re sick — Stay the fuck away from me until you are well again.   I don’t want to catch whatever you have.

8. When you fall — I will point and piss myself laughing at your clumsy arse.

This is my oath….. I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask? ‘Because you are my friend’.

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to ‘all  6′ of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don’t send it back to me…i really don’t give a shit!!!)

And remember….when life hands you  lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me and we’ll get shit faced together.

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“Aim towards the Enemy.”
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
- U.S. Army

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
- Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
- Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
- U.S. Air Force Manual

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
- Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.”
- U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
- Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
- Col. David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.”
- Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
- Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.”
- Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
- Unknown Army Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”
– U.S.A. Ammo

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule:

Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule:

There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule:

I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule:

I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:

If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying” Do you want fries with that?”

Doctors’ Comments On Patient Charts:

* “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

* “On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.”

* “The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.”

* “Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”

* “Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”

* “The patient refused an autopsy.”

* “The patient has no past history of suicides.”

* “Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”

* “Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.”

* “Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”

* “She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”

* “She is numb from her toes down.”

* “While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.”

* “The skin was moist and dry.”

* “Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”

* “Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

* “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

* “I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”

* “The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

* “Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.”

* “Skin: Somewhat pale but present.”

* “Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.”

* “By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better.”

* “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”

* “When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”

* “Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.”

* “The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.”

* “The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.”

Patients’ Sign-In Complaints:

* “Diarear.”

* “Sore trout.”

 There was a  man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a  real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his  wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in  the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife  with me.”

Well, he died. He was  stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her  friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just  before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait  just a minute!” She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put  it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all  together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash  it, he can spend it.”

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a flaming skull is art?

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

10 Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11 Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12 Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13 Women take clothing much more seriously than men I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh no, I’m so embarrassed; I’ve got to get out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”

14 Most men hate to shop That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15 If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16 If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.

17 No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18 When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19 When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21 Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

22 If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget.. he didn’t lose your number.. he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.

23 Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, “Are we going to have fun again?” He said, “Maybe.. next year.”

24 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.

25 Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

26 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.

27 Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports They’ve already forgotten what happened.

This a copy of a complaint letter that was actually received by NTL according to our sources.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website…. how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Continue Reading »

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and,
when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,
Clueless

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